Not what I thought

About week 30 of my pregnancy I started to believe I’d be pregnant forever, that having a baby was just some sort of myth. . . I thought I would NEVER see my ankles again, and for sure the ankels that people told me were “pretty” were some distant memory because of the “puffiness” that had invaded. It’s hard to believe that it DID all come to an end. . I marvel daily that I can move easily and freely, I can sleep on my tummy, the thin “pretty” ankels I remember are back (I love my ankels like never before these days, they got really “puffy” at the end and for a couple weeks after Reid was born. . . I’m SO glad to have them back!), all those “cute” freckles have disappeared, and I can go a whole hour or two, (or three) without visiting the little girls room. In short, Reid “live and in person” is much better than his “pre-show”.

One thing that I did enjoy about pregnancy was all the learning and research I did about “birthing”. . . Ina May Gartner and Marie Mongan were my hero’s. Here’s a confession, I sort of like taking the road less traveled. . (I know, SHOCKING isn’t it!) I loved telling people we were preparing for a birth at the birthing center, with mid-wives in a bathtub! I had hoped (and authentically believed) that I would be one of those women who were advocates for natural birth, who shared great stories of giving birth natural, who would be an encouragment for other women. That’s why is was a sad moment for me this weekend when a women in her last weeks of pregnancy, eager with anticiaption about her upcoming birth,started asking me questions about my birth, and I had to tell her, “You really don’t want to talk with me about my birth expereince. . ” (and maybe by choosing NOT to share my story with her, I was an ecouragment and advocate. . .?) I assured her that it was ALL worth it, but it wasn’t how I pictured it would be. A few weeks after Reid was born I was talking to a woman at church who had a similar birth experince as I did, and she said, “I was laying there after my C-Section, and I saw a Lamaze class walk by, before I could stop myself I sat up in bed and yelled, “SUCKERS” This story I love, not that I believe I was a sucker in all my research. . I’ve actually making peace with my expereince. . . I talked to the OB/GYN who did my C-Section a couple of weeks ago and asked him why the Pitocin didn’t work. . his answer was the BEST answer I’ve gotten, he said that Reid was too big and probably, after all the hours of labor, still wasn’t engaged in the birth canal when I went on Pitocin, so he wasn’t in position to be pushing down on my cervix to help the Pitocin work. . So basically I might never had had Reid any other way. I find a strange sense of comfort in this, not that I question my effort or committment to a natural birth, I know that I gave it all that I had, but sometimes you have to know when to step back and say, “I can’t do this” . . and that after all, maybe ONE of the lessons that I take from this whole experience. . you give it your best, for as long as you can, but them sometimes you have to know when to change directions. . . .hmmm.

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